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28 March 2024
By Karen Archer Educational Psychologist and Director of Bellavista S.H.A.R.E.
We love our children, however, parenting them is a complex and often confusing task. During a particularly hard holiday with two very young children, my then two and half year old, screamed and spat at me for the tenth time that week, I stood helpless and exhausted, and to make matters worse my own father yelled from above, “Just give her a smack!”. My husband who looked on, turned and retreated to our room. I was at the end of my tether when I found him casually stretched out on the bed, scrolling on his phone. My glare was enough for him to immediately respond with: “I am just googling how to discipline a two year old!” Once emotions had settled that day and we had all agreed that smacking wasn’t the way forward, my mother said, “No matter how kind and lovely you are as adults, it doesn’t automatically mean your child will turn out the same way. It takes consistent discipline and firm boundaries to raise a secure, happy and kind child.” It wasn’t easy, and many times I felt as though I was failing, but I am pleased to say that we now have a delightful eight year old daughter.
How boundaries help and how to set them
Research shows that one of the most valuable tools you can use to help your children develop, no matter what age they are, is that of healthy boundaries. Children who experience a household of appropriate and clear boundaries, delivered with love and warmth, are better equipped to meet the demands of daily living.
“Boundaries are essentially about understanding and respecting our own needs, and being respectful and understanding of the needs of others,” explains Stephanie Dowd, PsyD Clinical Psychologist. For that to work, we need to be putting emphasis on helping children develop greater empathy and self-awareness.
A Sense of self, self-control and relationship building
Children are by nature impulsive and controlled by their whims. Parents who help their children have boundaries also teach them to control their impulses. As they get older, and social interaction gets more complex, it’s not enough to just learn the rules. Children need to learn to set boundaries for themselves and respect those of others. Lack of boundaries skews children’s sense of themselves. There is a clear difference between good self-esteem and narcissism. Whether the child realises it or not, that uncertainty and sense of being able to dominate people will make them feel anxious and insecure. Not having limits sows the seeds of narcissism and entitlement.
Boundaries also help children build positive friendships by having a strong sense of self and recognising characteristics in others that are not necessarily healthy.
Teach children to express their opinions and needs in a respectful manner. An important way you can do this, is by modelling the behaviour you want, and praising children for their appropriate, positive behaviour. Your children want guidelines for their lives that are reliably enforced. Talk through the rules as a family, and let them know that you are open to hearing them out if they feel a boundary is unfair.
Be consistent, follow through and have patience
Having boudnaries doesn’t mean children won’t push them, they will. It is a part of their learning process, and they may even be upset when you uphold certain boundaries, but they will also feel safe and secure at the same time. I clearly remember being a young 14 year old, desperate to go to these so called ‘open house parties’ where alcohol was sold by parents to children as young as 13. My parents held their boundary tight and would not allow me to go. I was furious and hardly spoke to my parents for months on end. I remember them saying to me time and again, “We are only doing this because we love you” and they certainly were. For more information, visit www.bellavista.org.za
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